Edward and the Tampon
by livelaughloveWRITE
Summary: “What’s this?” He interrupted.  He was holding a tampon.  You’ve got to be kidding me. “It’s a tampon, Edward.” “What’s that?” I buried my face in my hands.  This was not happening to me.  “You really don’t know what it is?” “Do you eat it?”


** Obviously this wouldn't happen in the books, but it was a funny idea that I popped in my head and I decided to write it. So just play along, alright?  
**

_**Disclaimer**_**: I don't own Twilight...just borrowing the characters for a fun oneshot.  
**

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Preface**

I could prepare myself for things pretty well. I was used to it, considering the fact that there's ALWAYS someone trying to do me in. I could be brave, and strong, maybe not very confident, but when I needed to be I could. Yes, I can prepare myself very well. But nothing, absolutely NOTHING, could have prepared me for this. If I had a choice between this and an army of newborn vampires, I'd gladly pick the bloodthirsty beasts. Bring it on. But then again, it's not everyday you're vampire boyfriend is finally clueless about something. He ALWAYS knows everything! Okay, so I've changed my mind. If I had a choice between this and an army of newborn vampires, I wouldn't pick the bloodthirsty beasts. I'd totally pick this; because _this_ was hilarious, and I'd _never_ let him forget it. Bring it on.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Bella's POV**

I sighed as we pulled up into the driveway. I'd had a wonderful night, spending it with the love of my life, Edward. I looked to my left to see him turning off the ignition to his Volvo. He looked over at me, and our eyes met.

I stared into those beautiful topaz eyes, the ones that make me weak at the knees, the ones that would tell me to do something, and I would gladly obey. He smiled my favorite crooked smile, and grabbed my hand. I couldn't help but smile back.

Tonight had been wonderful. Edward had taken me out to dinner (which he paid for all by himself, to my disliking) and the food was delicious. Of course, he didn't order anything, and of course, all the waitresses practically fell over at his beauty. He dazzled them. Just like he dazzled me. _All the time_. Tonight there was a girl that was unbelievably jealous… it was _hilarious_. She was out with her friends, and when she saw Edward and I walk in, her eyes went wide with awe, and then narrowed into menacing slits when she saw me. The whole rest of the time, she was making unnecessarily loud comments about how _her_ boyfriend was ten times hotter than Edward, and that it was _so_ unfortunate that he couldn't be here so she could show him off. _Well, does your boyfriend sparkle? HA! didn't think so! _I felt like saying. She was getting quite annoying. "She doesn't even have a boyfriend," Edward whispered in my ear, but apparently not quiet enough. The girl was silent the rest of the night.

As I came out of my trance, I realized we were still sitting in the Volvo.

"Charlie's still not home?" I heard Edward's sweet velvet voice ask.

"He's been out fishing," I explained. "He said he wouldn't be home until later."

"Oh," Edward said. The next thing I know he's opening my door for me. He's such a gentleman, that boy is. There he goes, dazzling me _again._

"You know, that really isn't necessary," I told him.

"I know," he said. "But I want to. Just like this," he said, and then swiped me off my feet into his arms, "isn't necessary. But I want to anyway." I rolled my eyes as he carried me in the doorway, and up the stairs into my room. He set me down on the bed.

We sat there for a while, with me in his arms, until I decided to start getting changed.

"Can you hold on a minute?" I asked him. "I'm going to go get my sweatshirt out of the wash."

"Sure," he said. I set my purse down and headed off downstairs. When, I came back into my room, Edward was rummaging through my purse.

"What are you _doing_?" I asked him.

"Searching through your purse." I gave him a look. "What!" he said with innocent eyes. "I'm just nosy!"

"Yes, you are," I said rolling my eyes. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go take a sh-"

"What's this?" He interrupted. He was holding a tampon. You've _got _to be kidding me.

"Edward, stop kidding around," I said impatiently. "Now seriously, I'm going to go-"

"But seriously, what is it?"

He wasn't kidding. Okay, _this_ was awkward. "It's a tampon, Edward."

"What's that?"

I buried my face in my hands. This was _not_ happening to me. "You really don't know what it is?"

"Do you eat it?"

"Edward come on! It doesn't even smell like food!" This was unbelievable!

"Well I wouldn't know, human food doesn't smell good to me!" he said in defense.

"No, you don't eat it," I said. He looked at me funny, and then opened the wrapper, revealing the actual tampon.

"It's kind of weird looking," he said, analyzing it. No. There was absolutely _no way_ my boyfriend was analyzing a tampon. "And what's with the string?"

Again, I buried my face in my hands. Why? Why me? How on earth could he _not_ know what I tampon is? This was absolutely unbelievable.

I could prepare myself for things pretty well. I was used to it, considering the fact that there's ALWAYS someone trying to do me in. I could be brave, and strong, maybe not very confident, but when I needed to be I could. Yes, I can prepare myself very well. But nothing, absolutely NOTHING, could have prepared me for this. If I had a choice between this and an army of newborn vampires, I'd gladly pick the bloodthirsty beasts. Bring it on. But then again, it's not everyday you're vampire boyfriend is finally clueless about something. He ALWAYS knows everything! Okay, so I've changed my mind. If I had a choice between this and an army of newborn vampires, I wouldn't pick the bloodthirsty beasts. I'd pick this; because _this_ was hilarious, and I'd _never_ let him forget it. Bring it on.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" I heard Edward's voice ask. I peeked through my fingers to see him still sitting on the bed, holding the tampon in front of his face as though he was going to hypnotize himself with it. I laughed.

"No, Edward, I am not going to tell you," I said. He pouted. "I am, however…," I continued. "…going to go take a shower. While I'm doing that, why don't you go home and ask someone." _Haha,_ I thought to myself. _Alice would NEVER let him forget this either._

Edward still pouted but then nodded. "Fine, I'll be back before you're finished." And with that, he jumped out the window with a grace no human could imitate, with the tampon still in his hand. I sighed and turned to go to the bathroom. I stopped though, and grabbed another tampon out of my purse. I actually _did_ need one.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Alice's POV**

I was sitting in the living room with Carlisle and Esme, when a vision popped in my head. I stopped mid-sentence to see the future. It was Edward. He was here in the living room with us, and was asking what something was. He held up his hand, and in it was a tampon. That was the end of the vision. I burst out laughing. Now _this_, was funny. Too bad Rosalie wasn't here to see this.

"What is it?" Carlisle asked. He and Esme were looking at me with amused faces.

"Oh you'll see," I said, not wanted to spoil the fun. "Let's just say Edward wants a few questions answered." I leaned against the back of the couch, and waited for my brother to walk in the door with questions about Bella's feminine products.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Edward's POV**

I ran through the woods feeling more than confused. Why wouldn't she just tell me? And what was so funny? I couldn't help not knowing what it was. I didn't recognize it. I didn't think they had them back in the early 1900s. So it was a complete and utter enigma. My family better be more helpful than Bella was.

I looked back down at the so called "tampon". There was this card cardboard stuff around it. I ripped that off, and saw that all the "tampon" was, was a giant cotton-ball on a string. What was so special about that? I sighed as the back of my house came into view. _Finally_, I was going to get some answers.

I stepped through the back door and saw the whole family, well minus Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie, who were all out hunting, in the living room. Okay so only Carlisle, Esme, and Alice were there, but whatever.

"Edward, you're home early," Esme said. Alice looked at me with a very amused look on her face. I looked at her questionably.

_Yes, Edward, I saw you coming._ She thought to me. _Haha!_

I glared at her. Did everyone but me know what this little cotton thing was?

"So, Edward," Carlisle began. "Alice tells us you have a question you'd like answered."

"Yes, I do."

"Well…"

"What _is_ this?" I asked holding the "tampon" out in my palm. Everyone followed my gaze, and started laughing.

I was very frightened. I'd seen Carlisle have laughing fits before, but never like this. He was literally rolling around on the ground. Esme was laughing just as hard, and Alice looked like she might explode. How could this one tiny little thing have such an impact on everyone?

I read what they were thinking, and it was the same thing in everyone's mind: _He's what, 106? 107? and he doesn't even know what a tampon is? HA!_

"No, I do not know what a tampon is, so could somebody just tell me!" I shouted. This was getting annoying! That only made them laugh harder. If laughing too much could kill you, they'd all be dead by now, especially Carlisle.

"Whoa Edward, what did you do to everyone?" Rosalie just walked in. "And what's with the girly product?"

_Yes!_ I heard Alice think._ Rosalie should get a kick out of this! Too bad Emmett and Jasper aren't coming back 'till morning…_

"Seriously Edward, where did you get it? Did you steal it from Bella?" Rosalie wasn't going to drop it.

"Yes," I said calmly. "I took it from Bella."

"He doesn't know what it is," Alice explained.

"You're kidding!"

"I'm not."

Rosalie and Alice went into a fit of giggles themselves. I waited impatiently for them to stop. Esme was the first, and then Rosalie and Alice eventually stopped. The only one left was Carlisle, who was still on the floor.

"Honey, I think he really wants to know," Esme said. His laughter eventually ceased, but he looked like he was going to lose it again.

"So," I said, once everyone was silent. "Is anyone going to tell me what a 'tampon' is?"

The all looked at each other hesitantly, and then finally Alice spoke.

"I'll do it," she said. Then she gave me a hesitant look that told me she wasn't going to tell me out loud. I nodded and listened as she finally told me what a tampon was.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Alice's POV**

The whole time I was mentally telling him what a tampon was, Edward was making _the_ funniest faces ever. His looks were of pure horror and disgust. We couldn't help but laugh again.

He held up his hand to tell me he understood, and didn't want to hear anything else. He shuddered and started to walk away. "Thank you, Alice," he said and ran out the door.

We all cracked up again. There was absolutely no way we were going to let him forget this. Poor guy, he even had to run away. Probably back to Bella's. It was a shame she wasn't here to see this. Then again, it was most likely her idea to send him to get humiliated by his sisters. Oh yeah. This was most definitely Bella's doing. I like the way that girl thinks. She most definitely has a Cullen mind.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Bella's POV**

I dried myself up with my towel, and put my pajamas on. Then I towel-dried my hair. I was trying to give Edward some time. I smiled to myself. Alice and Rosalie would thank me for this the next time I saw them. I'm sure whatever happened over there was something never to be forgotten. When I felt like I'd delayed long enough, I went back to my room.

Sure enough, Edward was sitting on my bed with the same little tampon in his hand. The poor kid had a look of pure disgust in his eyes.

I sat down on his lap. "So," I said. "I take it you found out what a tampon is?"

He nodded, with that same look on his face. "Uh…, here. You can have it back now."

I started laughing hysterically. I took the little tampon from him and threw it in the trash.

"You know, you dazzle me when you're confused," I said. He actually cracked a smile.

"Am I dazzling you now?" he asked, those topaz eyes meeting mine, and immediately making my pulse race.

"You always do," I said, and he pulled me closer to press his icy lips to mine.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**Epilogue**

I kept my face hidden in between Edward's shoulder blades. We were running to his house, and I was not in the mood to get motion sick today. But it was over almost as soon as it started. He pulled me off his back and into his arms.

"You know, I can walk." I said as he carried me into his house.

"I know," he said, smiling. But he didn't put me down. I rolled my eyes.

He set me down on the couch in the living room, where the rest of the family was. Then he sat down next to me.

"Nice work, Bella," Alice said to me, smiling. "We will never forget last night."

Edward gave a playful growl. "Whatever," he said. "It wasn't a big deal."

"It wasn't a big deal!" Rosalie scoffed. "You practically had Carlisle dying of laughter!"

I giggled, trying to imagine him rolling around on the floor with laughter, which apparently did happen.

"Geez, what did we miss last night?" Emmett said looking confused. Jasper had on the same expression.

"Edward came home from Bella's last night asking what a tampon was," Carlisle explained, laughing.

Emmett and Jasper's faces immediately fell. "What's that?" they asked simultaneously.

We must have spent nearly half and hour laughing before any of us could explain what is was.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**So that's Edward and the Tampon! Hope you liked it!  
**


End file.
